silenced

Many of my faithful followers will have noticed that my last post was deleted a few days after posting. This was not done because I regret putting the truth out there and speaking-out about my situation. I write so that 1) those that I don’t see often have an idea about what’s going on in my life, 2) I have an outlet for my frustrations, worries, memories and passion for writing, and sometimes 3) so I can educate others about the horrors and struggle of being in a toxic relationship and being taken advantage of. If I could keep just one person from following in my footsteps and ending up in a similar mess, I would be happy.

Someone else thinks otherwise.

Like in all abusive relationships, I have been told to be silent. Be silent or else, essentially. The “or else” isn’t a threat of violence, but rather a threat of non-action. Non-action that will pretty much ruin my life financially, but I’ve already come to terms with that. The same ‘non-action’ that I have become very familiar with over the past 6 months. Actually, for the past three years.. Promises of fixing things, or doing better, or not doing something, or paying back; they all go unfulfilled. Just like the most recent one will, there is no doubt in my mind.

Loosely paraphrasing, it goes like this: If you don’t take your post down, blame yourself for what happens. I’ll take legal actions. You talking about your problems is bullying me. Me! And we all know that I’m the only person on the earth that really matters. Me, me, me. Stop ruining my life. If you don’t delete it I will post things online that you would never want anyone to see (read between the lines, kids: what your parents and teachers are telling you is true: just say no to naked pics). Let’s be honest, nobody wants to see all of this, so the likelihood of anything going viral is next to nil.

I’m so tired of the threats. I’m so tired of being scared of him and what he is capable of. I’m so tired of being controlled. I was silent from the beginning and that’s what got me into this mess. If I just spoke up earlier. If I just let my family know that he was harassing me to co-sign loans for money and cars for him, or that every few months he was borrowing anywhere from $300-$4000+ dollars from me. If I just spoke up, they would have knocked some sense into me, because somewhere along the line, I had lost it.

I WILL NOT BE SILENT ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE.

It is people like him that ruin peoples’ lives. I know this because I am still dealing with the consequences of being in a relationship with him. He took joyful experiences and turned them to nightmares, he took my self-esteem, he took my money, he took my good credit, he took years of my life and is indirectly taking more to this day. Most importantly, he took my voice.

Never lose your voice, and never give away your power. I never knew what my mother meant when she always told me that growing up. It wasn’t until I did give it away it that I finally got it, and then it was too late.

Speak up! Learn more about domestic violence here. Also, learn about Avon’s #SeeTheSigns of domestic violence campaign here.

Day 4 Types of domestic abuse