I have spent much of my life regretting decisions I’ve made. I know I have had many conversations and written multiple blog posts proclaiming, “I live life with no regrets.” But nope, that wasn’t at all true.
From regretting that mean thing I said to a classmate in grade 5, to the “what ifs” surrounding past relationships, to my schooling and career path, to finances, I lived with A LOT of regret.
I was always stuck in the loop of what would have happened if I had done things differently.
And you know what? I seriously got me stuck, literally.
So here I am, looking around a home that is mine, drinking a coffee that my loving husband made me before heading off to working, with the most precious babe having her morning nap.
It’s crazy how things seem to work out. One day you’re fretting about exes of years past, paying off debts, and wondering if your ever going to find the right person, land on your feet, and actually be happy. Then, just like that, you do.
I keep wondering what I did differently to get here.
When I met Chad, I (and my life) was still a wreck. I was still making some pretty lousy decisions.
But there was one thing I was doing differently. I was finding my creative voice – I had started writing again for pleasure: poetry, journals, blogs. I had unearthed some experiences and feelings that were buried deep. I was getting to know who I was as a 30 year old woman.
I had finally stopped giving a f*ck. My interest was solely on self-discovery and the experiences in which that led to.
And through that, I ended up stumbling upon the fork in my proverbial road.
It was a bonfire date with a guy that liked my Curious George mug. A guy who trusted me with his story and all his vulnerabilities. It was a connection on a level that I had never experienced before. It was someone knowing my heart without me even speaking it. It was support and encouragement that I received, but also that I was willing to give.
Life snow-balled the way I always wanted it to. Unexpectedly. Quickly. Perfectly.
It’s been a little over two years since I went to that bonfire date. After three months, I had moved in. Nine months after meeting, we were engaged. And quickly after, we were expecting a babe.
2018 saw such a flurry of life events that I can hardly wrap my head around. We planned a wedding in a little over a month. In the span of 6 weeks, we got married, bought a house, and welcomed to the world a beautiful little girl.
This is what I live for.
Life unfolding at an unprecedented rate. Hardly being able to keep up. Taking a moment to breath, look back and think, “Wow.”
Life is finally what I had envisioned it to be.
Of course, there are still areas of uncertainty – things that I’m grappling with and hoping to stumble on that next magic fork in the road. But the thing is, I made it. I made it this far, so I know that I can keep going. I know it will all work out and I will find rhythm in the other areas of my life.
As I enter into this holiday season, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude.
If you still haven’t found your footing, and are waiting, and hoping, and struggling, know that you aren’t alone. I have been there! I have felt despair, and disappointment, and hopelessness. I have felt like the BIGGEST FAILURE ever. But know that this all passes. Know that you, too, will find your groove.
And if you need an ear, I’m here for you.